From this data we must conclude that within our lifetimes all matter in the universe will eventually be reprogrammed in JavaScript.

I'm not sure I want to live in that reality.

If the simulation hypothesis is real, perhaps it would follow that all the dark matter and dark energy in the universe is really just extra cycles being burned on layers of interpreters and JIT compilation of a loosely-typed scripting language.

It's fine, it will be Typescript.

... a reality where everything in software development that was previously established as robust foundation is discarded, only to be re-learned and re-implemented less well while burning VC cash.

WAT? https://www.destroyallsoftware.com/talks/wat