F stands for fuck up. This is day zero of that.
What Happened
I didn't touch my laptop for 3 months. Not once.
Why? Because I thought I found it. The girl. The friends. The "normal life" everyone keeps saying you need. I put everything aside, projects, code, the stuff that actually made sense to me—because I thought maybe this time it would work.
It didn't.
The 3 Months
She was amazing. Or I thought she was. The kind of person who made me think maybe I could be normal. Have a girlfriend, hang out with friends, do regular people things on weekends instead of debugging at 2am.
So I tried. I really did.
Laptop stayed closed. Projects died. That AI thing I was excited about? Forgot about it. That web app idea? Never happened. I was too busy trying to fit into a life that looked right but felt wrong.
How It Ended
She left. Said I wasn't present even when I was there. Said something was always off. And she was right—I was pretending the whole time and we both knew it.
The friends? Turns out they tolerated me. They're gone too.
Now it's just me and this laptop that I abandoned for someone who abandoned me.
The Truth I Keep Learning
Some of us aren't built for that life. The relationship, the social stuff, the balance everyone talks about. And that's not me being dramatic or broken—it just is what it is.
I'm good at code BECAUSE I'm bad at that other stuff. All those hours normal people spend on relationships and socializing? I spent them learning, building, fixing things. You can't do both. At least I can't.
Starting Over (Again)
Exams are happening right now which is terrible timing but honestly when is it ever good timing?
I need to code. Not because it's productive or because I'm "grinding" or whatever. I need it the way some people need the gym or therapy. When I don't have it, my head goes bad places.
So here we are. Day F0. Fuck up zero.
Laptop's open. VS Code is loading. And yeah, it's been 3 months but muscle memory is a funny thing.
What's Next
I don't know. I'm just going to build stuff. Maybe something useful, maybe something stupid. Doesn't matter.
No more pretending to be normal. No more choosing people who'll leave anyway over the one thing that's always been there.
Just me and the code.
If you're reading this and you get it—like actually get it—then you know. Some of us just work different.
Let's see where this goes.
Starting from F0. Because sometimes you gotta fuck up to figure out what actually matters.
Top comments (6)
These are very deep reflections. I truly enjoy your posts, they are so honest and real. Like reading a book, a good one.
I think every dev feel like this more or less. Let me tell you that I felt the same even before becoming a dev, which we all know that it eats a lot of time and it's like you are going to die with the laptop on your lap.
But don't tell yourself you are not normal, just because some people didn't relate to you. Some people simply are not what you need, maybe not because they are inherently bad, but because they are something else that you are not.
Who can define what normal is after all? Trust me, you know better than me that you are more normal than others. And I don't say it, your maturity does, from miles away.
Aww man thank you so much for your comment like I really can't appreciate it enough it made me genuinely happy.
Let's see how it goes for me, probably I will checkout more devs as you guys can relate the most
Good take, great even - you're different, I'm different, everyone's different, we aren't "clones", we don't need to fit someone's preconceived mold because we "should" be this or that - follow your passion, f*k the rest!
Yeshhh! I will do whatever I am good at even if it's leading an abnormal life
I get this more than I can explain. “Normal life” isn’t one-size-fits-all — sometimes it feels like the world is on a different wavelength entirely.
That's for sure but whatever it's not like having a normal life is that important. We will do just fine with our abnormal way of life