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| 1 | + |
| 2 | +The Szechuan Taxi |
| 3 | +by Dave Bealer |
| 4 | + |
| 5 | +People who live in genuine rural areas should probably skip this |
| 6 | +article because you won't understand it. |
| 7 | + |
| 8 | +What's that? You don't know what constitutes a "genuine rural area?" |
| 9 | +Alright, if you can pick up the telephone and have a pizza delivered |
| 10 | +to your home, you DO NOT live in a genuine rural area. |
| 11 | + |
| 12 | +What kind of definition of genuine rural area is that? An accurate |
| 13 | +one. I grew up in a genuine rural area in northeastern Pennsylvania. |
| 14 | +The closest pizza delivery place would not deliver to our house. |
| 15 | +They would deliver to a parking lot a quarter mile away at the bottom |
| 16 | +of the hill, but they would not set foot (tire, actually) in our |
| 17 | +village. |
| 18 | + |
| 19 | +Not that it was a dangerous village. It was just that the parking |
| 20 | +lot at the bottom of the hill was the end of their range. The pizza |
| 21 | +shop was six miles away from the parking lot, and six and a quarter |
| 22 | +miles away from our house. Some marketing major at the pizza shop |
| 23 | +had decided that it made sense to extend their delivery range two |
| 24 | +miles through sparsely populated countryside to the entrance to our |
| 25 | +village, but not another quarter mile INTO our village. So the 300 |
| 26 | +people of our village had to cool their heels in an empty parking lot |
| 27 | +if they wanted pizza delivered NEAR their homes (the parking lot |
| 28 | +belonged to a defunct business and was typically empty because all |
| 29 | +300 people in the village rarely chose to order pizza at the same |
| 30 | +time). |
| 31 | + |
| 32 | +The result of all this was that we always went to pick up the pizza. |
| 33 | +We figured that driving six and a quarter miles to pick up the pizza |
| 34 | +was less aggravating than sitting around a cold, dark (but safe) |
| 35 | +parking lot waiting for a pizza delivery person who was always |
| 36 | +running late. We knew for a fact that the person was always late |
| 37 | +because we occasionally had pizza delivered while visiting friends |
| 38 | +who lived within the magic six mile limit. |
| 39 | + |
| 40 | +Now, are we clear on who lives in a genuine rural area? Good. Maybe |
| 41 | +we can get on with the point of this story. |
| 42 | + |
| 43 | +Home food delivery is a matter of extreme importance to people living |
| 44 | +in urban and suburban areas. Even realtors have begun to recognize |
| 45 | +this phenomenon. Remember how homes have long been listed in the |
| 46 | +classified "for sale" ads with notations about the wonderful school |
| 47 | +district which serves the area? These days you can find homes |
| 48 | +expected to attract childless singles or couples listed with the |
| 49 | +number and types of home food delivery establishments that serve the |
| 50 | +community. |
| 51 | + |
| 52 | +Now that I live in a major urban area, there are literally dozens of |
| 53 | +pizza delivery places competing for my business. The coupons these |
| 54 | +outfits pay students to stick on my car windshield and the front door |
| 55 | +of my house each year could paper all the walls in my house several |
| 56 | +times over. |
| 57 | + |
| 58 | +One of the major factors in the decision to purchase my current home |
| 59 | +was the Chinese restaurant a mile away that actually DELIVERS. |
| 60 | +Imagine that! Not just pizza and subs, but food that actually |
| 61 | +contains mono sodium glutamate, delivered to my door! |
| 62 | + |
| 63 | +A couple of years ago I found out exactly how useful this kind of |
| 64 | +thing can be. I placed a carry out order with the local Chinese |
| 65 | +restaurant, then went to do some shopping. The plan was to pick up |
| 66 | +the food on the way home. The trouble started when the car wouldn't. |
| 67 | +The car wasn't going anywhere, and it was a cold winter night. |
| 68 | + |
| 69 | +In a rare moment of inspiration, I carried my groceries one block to |
| 70 | +the Chinese restaurant, walked in, and changed my carry out order to |
| 71 | +delivery. If you think ordering without numbers in a Chinese |
| 72 | +restaurant is an adventure, you should have seen this attempted |
| 73 | +conversation. It's a good thing these people knew me as a regular |
| 74 | +customer. Actually, they took it well. They didn't even call the |
| 75 | +police. Eventually the game of charades ended when they realized I |
| 76 | +didn't have a car. They stuffed me in the aged, rusting econo-box |
| 77 | +they use for deliveries. Amazingly enough, the Szechuan Lo Mein, |
| 78 | +wonton soup, my groceries and I were delivered in good shape. I |
| 79 | +tipped the driver unusually well that night. {RAH} |
| 80 | +-------------- |
| 81 | +Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who |
| 82 | +works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the |
| 83 | +largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront |
| 84 | +townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he |
| 85 | +writes and electronically publishes Random Access Humor. He can be |
| 86 | +reached at: FidoNet> 1:261/1129 Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net |
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